A Realistic Morning Commute.
F-Zero captures the intensity of getting to work on time, even the part about avoiding landmines.
Sydlexia’s Ranking: #23/100
I’ve been in Jacksonville for nine weeks. Not a day has gone by where I did not see an accident either in real-time or post-impact. I’ve witnessed people ride over medians to make a u-turn. I’ve caught people going the wrong direction on the wrong side of the street. It’s rekindled my love for paranoid defensive driving where you pretend everyone is possessed by a demon.
While it might not help my blood pressure, it sure did help me deal with F-Zero — no one does what you think they will. There is some fun moments to be found, but this 1991 legacy seems a bit bare today only worthy of a couple nights of play.
Continue reading “Top 100 SNES Review: #23 – F-Zero (1991)”
A Homoerotic Tussle.
Why does everyone have a porn ‘stache?
Sydlexia’s Ranking: #46/100
I went to a gay bar last night. It was the typical affair: everyone in their tightly knitted cliques creating walled-off circles as Ariana Grande music saturates the air. Almost all stereotypes were accounted for, even the alternative Beatnick with skinny jeans, platinum colored hair, and a stuffed animal back pack.
I’ve had kind of a rough morning since; maybe well rum and cokes don’t do the body as good as they used to. I needed something easy to play, and a classic side-scrolling beat ’em up was the answer. Maybe it’s because I’m hungover or maybe it’s because of where my last contact with society was, but this game seems like an alternative gay reality.
Continue reading “Top 100 SNES Review: #46 – Final Fight (1991)”
Better Than Bob Barker Ever Was.
Sydlexia’s Ranking: #36/100
Gameshows are kind of like capitalism: there are arbitrary rules, vigorous competition, tons of cash, and an unequal distribution of wealth. No wonder us Americans like them so much! I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit watching The Price is Right, Press Your Luck, Hollywood Squares, and more. Smash TV is no different. Two warriors enter a game show risking their lives on live TV in hopes of winning a new toaster. So it’s kind of like American Idol.
Continue reading “Top 100 SNES Review: #36 – Super Smash TV (1990)”
Life Should Come With Difficulty Settings.
A quick change in the options menu makes the difference.
Sydlexia’s Ranking: #67/100
Life can be harsh. This current clinical rotation I’m at is pretty hard for me: I’m treating patients I’m not used to with a very strict clinical instructor while working lots of hours. When Friday night rolls around, I don’t want to have to deal with “Very Hard” or “Normal.” I just want to have some mindless fun, an easy excursion for the mind, body and soul.
Thankfully, Knights of the Round makes that a real possibility. Grabbing an extra controller, a friend, and setting difficulty the to “Easy” was the perfect way to start my weekend.
Continue reading “Top 100 SNES Review: #67 – Knights of the Round (1991)”
A Story Mode With Almost No Story.
No reasons are required when blowing up things on perfect grids.
Sydlexia’s Ranking: #54/100
I”m not sure what to think of Bomberman as a person or symbol. Is he an underemployed fireworks pyrotechnic? A dissatisfied demolitioner? Why does everything look like Hello Kitty? Not to mention his environment: a perfect grid system that would put any major city to shame. Trying to tease out any more details would be an act of futility as the story proffers no more than a constant theme of destruction.
Continue reading “Top 100 SNES Review: #54 – Super Bomberman 2 (1994)”
Cheap Kills, No Thrills.
A knock-off of another cold-blooded, reptilian franchise, they decided not to imitate their best feature: fun.
Sydlexia’s Ranking: #55/100
Imagine, for a moment, that you are about to enjoy breakfast with your favorite cereal. To your chagrin, you see that someone accidentally bought you the Great Value version. When you finally pour it, it’s actually been replaced with cockroaches.
This is Battletoads for the SNES. It’s not a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game. It’s not even a video game like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Hell, it isn’t even a video game. It’s a reaction time test where a series of impossible tasks have been curated for no one’s enjoyment.
Continue reading “Top 100 SNES: #55 – Battletoads in BattleManiacs (1993)”
Creating Civilization In Less Than a Day.
Who needs the Holy Sabbath when you work part-time?
Sydlexia’s Ranking: #13/100
Saturday is the day I take to recharge and do absolutely nothing related to my grad school program. I’m working at a clinical rotation that is demanding with plenty of homework to boot, so it is nice to just have a full 24-hour period where I can do whatever else I want.
ActRaiser lets you emulate a local deity, be a mighty warrior, and oversee nation-building. The best part: it takes less than an 8 hours! Who else gets to say they created civilization on their day off?
Continue reading “Top 100 SNES Review: #13 – ActRaiser (1991)”