The Top 100 Reviews

A Not Top 100 PS1 Review: Gauntlet Legends (1999)

Starts Mediocre, Ends up Tedious.

There is only one good things about this game: a floating caricature of death.

Title screen guantlet legends LesLites’ Ranking: #63/100
My Rating:

*Originally, I played this version to write a review for the N64 thinking the two ports couldn’t be that different (I couldn’t get a hold of an N64 version). After looking at some Youtube videos comparing the versions, it’s clear that the PS1 version is way worse and would be unfair to use as the basis for the N64 game review.*

Remembering Gauntlet Legends fondly for its accessible two-player mode and RPG elements, I was excited to give this game another look. Little did I know that the PS1 version played like doing a waterfall with skunked beer left out in a woodshed during a hot and humid Southern Summer.

Everything started out okay. It’s a little mindless as you button smash your axe throw and occasionally use power ups, but at least it didn’t bog you down with anything taxing like inventory or equipment management. There were some light puzzles to keep you thinking. It felt like a low-thrill but entertaining amusement park ride reminiscent of the Egg Scrambler or Merry-Go-Round.

However, its only solution for increasing the difficulty level was by increasing the length of the stages. Instead of being asked to master a particular skill, it wants you to instead just stick around doing the same old things for a longer period of time. It’s a test of your attention span more than anything, and with how sparse the gameplay diversity is, you’ll be asking for an early death…

…which death might be the only reason to play.

Gauntlet Legends n64 Death Again

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Top 100 SNES Review: #24 – Zombies Ate My Neighbors (1993)

Plays like an Arcade Game… But It’s Not One.

I thought for sure this game was designed to take my quarters.

Zomebies Ate My Neighbors Title Screen Sydlexia’s Ranking: #24/100
My Rating:

There are only so many two-player games in the world. Sure, everyone knows about about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Contra III or Super Mario Kart for the SNES, but the pickings quickly get thin. Zombies Ate My Neighbors (or ZAMN) seemed to be a viable remedy: a self-aware and irreverent top-down adventure with B-grade movie tropes should be easy enough to enjoy.

Everyone was willing to give it a try, but no one was willing to stick around.

ZAMN isn’t a bad game per say, but it doesn’t do anything to earn your undivided attention. Every attempt with different people followed the same crescendos — immediate interest, followed by a lull, ending with a let’s move on. I attempted a one-player go through thinking it might have just been my company, but I found that I solitarily followed the same peaks and valleys.

The reason is mostly in the gameplay; it uses an arcade design with lots of repetitive levels that are disconnected and has steep difficulty curves. There is plenty of weird but not enough substance.

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Top 100 PS1 Review: #18 – Final Fantasy VIII (1999)

So Conflicting.

A convoluted, mish-mashed story with amazing moments nestled in a beautiful world full of culture which has a completely broken fighting system that is also immensely addicting… this game is nothing but contradictions.

Final Fantasy VIII Title Screen Ape’s Ranking: #18/100
My Rating:

Final Fantasy VIII is such a hard game for me to unravel. It’s full of problems start to finish, but I can’t untangle that from the peaks of sweet experiences and nostalgia. The only way I felt like I could address this was by presenting all the problems alongside a twenty year perspective from three different vantage points: 2000, 2010, and 2020. These were the three times when I beat this game, and while Final Fantasy VIII might not have changed in those 20 years, I sure have.

There are amazing moments in this game, exquisite experiences where we feel it in our gut. It’s the reason we are willing to toil for a 40 hour adventures: the sense of wonder and connection that FF8 occasional provides. So no matter how silly and broken everything becomes, there are still pieces and parts that propel it forward.

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Top 100 SNES Review: #18 – Super Mario Kart (1992)

This Game Makes Me Dizzy.

And other musings from an out-dated racer.

Super Mario Kart SNES TItle Screen Sydlexia’s Ranking: #18/100
My Rating:

I’m exhausted.

Currently, I just finished off a 50 hour work week, but it doesn’t stop there: I have residency mid-terms in a couple of weeks; a paper that I’m trying to get published; research articles that needs to be read; and notes to be typed.

Needing to hit a restart, I decided to keep Friday night and all of Saturday completely to myself. I’m going to waste away laying around, playing video games, writing, guitaring, and whatever else fits my fancy.

I wanted something easy to kick it off. I preferred to avoid going through the hassle of learning something new, nor did I want to get pulled into a long adventure (here’s looking at you Final Fantasy). Mario Kart seemed to fit the bill. I could drink my Sam’s Club diet soda and do short three-minute races while taking breaks for instagram and self-reflection.

While having more content than F-Zero, Mario Kart SNES still seems pretty bare. The programming for certain situations also became very predictable (Need a star? Eighth place it is! About to pass Luigi? Guess who now has a star!). Not to mention the vertigo-inducing graphics where Donut Plains turns into a pixilated seizure of poop stains.

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Top 100 SNES Review: #92 – Secret of the Stars (1995)

A Ghetto Final Fantasy 2.

A game in 1995 should not look, feel, or play like this.

Secret of the Stars SNES Sydlexia’s Ranking: #92/100
My Rating:

Secret of the Stars is the throwback game you would never want. Given a North America release of ’95, you would think it would boast some of those late system features. Instead, Secret of the Stars seems more apropos as an NES game.

It’s most readably comparable to Final Fantasy 2/4; it has a similar feel in art direction, gameplay, and horrible mistranslations. It just somehow does everything way worse than a game released four years prior.

I’m not sure there is anything good about this game. It’s massively slow in every facet including walking, battles, conversations, and menus. The music reminds me of Methodist church hymns. The one creative twist, controlling two separate parties, is a complete failure.

It’s actually quite impressive but not in a good kind of way.

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Top 100 Album Review: #88 – At Folsom Prison, Johnny Cash (1968)

The Only Live Album I’ve Ever Found Worth A Damn.

Cash performs songs about prison life in front of actual prisoners as they whoop and holler — it’s surreal!

91cgDY8ocrL._SL1500_ Rolling Stone’s Ranking: #88/100
My Rating:

My mom gave me Chaka Khan’s Greatest Hits Live as some kind of cruel joke. I was on an R&B kick and made a playlist that featured a few of her songs, and after hearing it, she proceeded to give me one of the worst albums I’ve recently heard.

“This is just awful,” I said. “Isn’t it though?” she replied.

But who should really be surprised? Live albums are traditionally awful. Favorite songs are mashed together with poor recording quality, long solo’s by unknown band members, and the realization that musicians aren’t perfect. The gap in talent between the recording studio and the live audience can be too large to bear; it breaks the transcendent spell music is supposed to put us in.

At Folsom Prison is the only live album I know where the format actually bolsters the performance. That’s because the audience isn’t a faceless mob hollering for an encore; it’s prisoners listening to music that reflected their life. Cash’s musical set was intimately linked to everyone in the room with songs that could have been a personal testament from countless in the room. Hell: one song he performed was WRITTEN by one of the inmates!

It becomes a surreal meta-narrative. As Johny Cash sings about the ennui of prison life, you get to hear those in the room reverberate with complete understanding. Then between tracks, a Warden drones out prisoner numbers to report to somewhere for something. The setting reflects the music which reflects the lived experience of those present.

It’s completely amazing. Continue reading “Top 100 Album Review: #88 – At Folsom Prison, Johnny Cash (1968)”

Top 100 Album Review: #14 – Abbey Road, The Beatles (1969)

HOW DID THEY KEEP DOING THIS?

The artistic fountain continued to gush all the way into The Beatles’ last album.

The-Beatles-Abbey-Road-Album-cover-web-optimised-820-820x600.jpg Rolling Stone’s Ranking: #14/100
My Rating:

This is my last album to review from peak Beatles. Those six albums (starting with Rubber Soul and ending with Let It Be), are so full of material, range, and imagination. Abbey Road is just another pit stop — they don’t miss a beat.

My favorite thing about the best band of all time is how accessible their music is while pushing the boundary. It’s not untethered hippie rock with disjointed lyrics (which sometimes befalls Jimi Hendrix’s later albums). Instead, it has one foot on both sides of the fence; there’s always something avant-garde, but it’s crouched in enough familiarity and pop for it to be enjoyable.

Abbey Road’s schtick is that it ends on an 8 song medley of bits and pieces. It introduces songs at rapid pace with some only lasting little more than 60 seconds. It completely lives up to their reputation: it’s different and highly artistic but so tastefully done.

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