nintendo – The Top 100 Reviews

Top 100 SNES Review: #92 – Secret of the Stars (1995)

A Ghetto Final Fantasy 2.

A game in 1995 should not look, feel, or play like this.

Secret of the Stars SNES Sydlexia’s Ranking: #92/100
My Rating:

Secret of the Stars is the throwback game you would never want. Given a North America release of ’95, you would think it would boast some of those late system features. Instead, Secret of the Stars seems more apropos as an NES game.

It’s most readably comparable to Final Fantasy 2/4; it has a similar feel in art direction, gameplay, and horrible mistranslations. It just somehow does everything way worse than a game released four years prior.

I’m not sure there is anything good about this game. It’s massively slow in every facet including walking, battles, conversations, and menus. The music reminds me of Methodist church hymns. The one creative twist, controlling two separate parties, is a complete failure.

It’s actually quite impressive but not in a good kind of way.

Continue reading “Top 100 SNES Review: #92 – Secret of the Stars (1995)”

Top 100 SNES Review: #46 – Final Fight (1991)

A Homoerotic Tussle.

Why does everyone have a porn ‘stache?

Sydlexia’s Ranking: #46/100
My Rating:

I went to a gay bar last night. It was the typical affair: everyone in their tightly knitted cliques creating walled-off circles as Ariana Grande music saturates the air. Almost all stereotypes were accounted for, even the alternative Beatnick with skinny jeans, platinum colored hair, and a stuffed animal back pack.

I’ve had kind of a rough morning since; maybe well rum and cokes don’t do the body as good as they used to. I needed something easy to play, and a classic side-scrolling beat ’em up was the answer. Maybe it’s because I’m hungover or maybe it’s because of where my last contact with society was, but this game seems like an alternative gay reality.

Continue reading “Top 100 SNES Review: #46 – Final Fight (1991)”

Top 100 SNES Review: #36 – Super Smash TV (1990)

Gameshow Glory.

Better Than Bob Barker Ever Was.

Super Smash TV SNES Sydlexia’s Ranking: #36/100
My Rating:

Gameshows are kind of like capitalism: there are arbitrary rules, vigorous competition, tons of cash, and an unequal distribution of wealth. No wonder us Americans like them so much! I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit watching The Price is Right, Press Your Luck, Hollywood Squares, and more. Smash TV is no different. Two warriors enter a game show risking their lives on live TV in hopes of winning a new toaster. So it’s kind of like American Idol.

Continue reading “Top 100 SNES Review: #36 – Super Smash TV (1990)”

Top 100 N64 Review: #4 – GoldenEye 007 (1997)

Don’t Be The Type of Person Who Choses Oddjob.

Peer pressure isn’t only about smoking. It’s about teaching you to be a better person.

Screen Shot 2019-02-24 at 7.57.06 PM — Modern art or a train? You decide.

LesLites’ Ranking: #4/100
My Rating:

The first two games I wanted to review for the N64 were Mario and GoldenEye, but for completely different reasons. Super Mario 64 was the first time I played a game in a true 3D environment. I was so shell shocked that I couldn’t even figure out how to move Mario, smashing down on the analog D-pad while ignoring that round stick in the middle.

GoldenEye, however, is when my friends and I grew up. We weren’t going around finding stars and collecting coins but unloading entire clips into polygonal bodies as they squirmed in dramatic death sequences. Cafeteria time was dedicated to discussing tactics while trash talking about death match: those who dared to play as Jaws revered while those who copped out as Oddjob were belittled.

It became a cultural revolution. Everyone was playing this game, even your little sister who didn’t even know about Yoshi. And guess what: it’s still amazing.

Continue reading “Top 100 N64 Review: #4 – GoldenEye 007 (1997)”

Top 100 SNES Review: #13 – ActRaiser (1991)

Creating Civilization In Less Than a Day.

Who needs the Holy Sabbath when you work part-time?

screen shot 2019-01-26 at 5.33.12 am Sydlexia’s Ranking: #13/100
My Rating:

Saturday is the day I take to recharge and do absolutely nothing related to my grad school program. I’m working at a clinical rotation that is demanding with plenty of homework to boot, so it is nice to just have a full 24-hour period where I can do whatever else I want.

ActRaiser lets you emulate a local deity, be a mighty warrior, and oversee nation-building. The best part: it takes less than an 8 hours! Who else gets to say they created civilization on their day off?

Continue reading “Top 100 SNES Review: #13 – ActRaiser (1991)”

Top 100 NES Review: #21 – Super Mario Bros. 2 (1988)

A False Sense of Choice.

You might think you are playing SMB2, but really it’s playing you.

screen shot 2019-01-22 at 8.33.00 pm Sydlexia’s Ranking: #21/100
My Rating:

As the odd ball, SMB2 does a lot of things never seen before: it prominently incorporates a transgendered bird, hides rocket ships in plain sight by masquerading them as root vegetables, and allows the consumption of a potion for us to see dark world reflections of reality.

During this adventure, we feel like we are the driver of our thoughts, allowed to make character selections and win extra lives in roulette. Little do we know that SMB2 is playing with house money, and we are just along for the ride.

Continue reading “Top 100 NES Review: #21 – Super Mario Bros. 2 (1988)”

Top 100 NES Review: #25 – Zelda II: The Adventure of Link (1988)

No Safe Spaces Allowed.

This game should be renamed to Zelda II: The Adventure of Microaggressions.

Sydlexia’s Ranking: #25/100
My Rating:

I just listened to a podcast with Joe Rogan and Jonathan Haidt. The topic was the culture of college campuses and the creation safe zones — places where you are free from discomfort. Haidt, a psychologist, thinks this is creating fragile personalities, ones that can not withstand the stresses of living in a functioning society when these students enter post-college life.

When looking at other reviews for this game, I saw people saying Zelda II is too hard, unfair, confusing, petty, cruel, and cheap. Was it this same sanctuary attitude churning out gamers unwilling to be challenged? I decided to play this game guide free* to see if the standards were truly unreasonable.**

* It didn’t happen.
**They were.

Continue reading “Top 100 NES Review: #25 – Zelda II: The Adventure of Link (1988)”

Top 100 SNES Game: #52 – Gradius III (1991)

Anxiety Attack With a Large Coffee.

How much stimulus can the human mind handle? Exactly enough to juggle and dodge 1300 sprites of doom.

Screen Shot 2018-07-21 at 3.52.45 PM — A Gradius III and Double Dragon cross over?

Sydlexia’s Ranking: #52/100
Developer: Konami
My Rating:

One theory for general anxiety disorder is that it’s due to some lowering of neuron-firing threshold. The entire nervous system is more excitable, and it takes very little stimulus to get widespread action potentials promulgating through your central nervous system.

If you don’t have this problem, Gradius III will surely give it to you: one-hit death, complicated bosses, tricky navigation, a hundred projectiles. While some might view beating the game as an accomplishment, I believe getting through it without increased cortisol levels more of a feat.

Continue reading “Top 100 SNES Game: #52 – Gradius III (1991)”

Top 100 NES Review: #31 – Dr. Mario (1990)

The Antibiotic Resistance Crisis.

The rise of drug-resistant staph and pneumonia has its roots in this Mario-themed, puzzle game.

Screen Shot 2018-07-11 at 8.13.25 PM — Dr. Mario after completing his residency at Mushroom Kingdom Health Systems.

Sydlexia’s Ranking: #31/100
Developer: Nintendo
My Rating:

There is a healthcare crisis in this country right now. As we look at ways to manage costs, it is important to be self-reflective and address instances of abuse and waste.

Look no further than Dr. Mario. His clinical practice guidelines consist of the over prescription of antibiotics. Not only does this not make sense (after all, the diagnosis is a viral infection that won’t respond to this type of treatment), he runs the risk of creating new strains of diseases that will be resistant to the very antibiotics he continues to dispense.

While the ethics of Dr. Mario’s decisions come into question, his puzzle adventure game does test the mind and makes one believe that, they too, can practice medicine.

Continue reading “Top 100 NES Review: #31 – Dr. Mario (1990)”

Top 100 SNES Review: #12 – Secret of Mana (1993)

Reality of Teamwork.

Like a group project in college where two people do all the work and the rest are worthless, Secret of Mana is a reminder that you can still get things done on your own.

Screen Shot 2018-07-06 at 7.25.51 PM — Louise, Bear and Diego.

Sydlexia’s Ranking: #12/100
Developer: Square
My Rating:

Early games gave you only four letters for the protagonist’s name, and in keeping with the spirit of the role playing genre, I wanted to insert myself into the story as much as possible. Thus began Bear — short for Barrett, but far more intimidating (my Spanish, intimidation name is Oso Peligroso, but I only use that when I’m really in a bind).

Secret of Mana was another chance for me to live out my fantasies of being a youthful adventurer that leaves his small town to end up saving the world, so Bear was naturally the only name that made sense. This time I did not have to go it alone though: I had Diego (played by the really-real human Tanner) and Louise (played by an algorithm of 0s and 1s). How would the three of us fare?

Continue reading “Top 100 SNES Review: #12 – Secret of Mana (1993)”